Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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