weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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