i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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