i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
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just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
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I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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