I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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