if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
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We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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