Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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