I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
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Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
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The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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