saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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