Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
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Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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