i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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