it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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