All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize