Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
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idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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