Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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