wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
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I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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