i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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