Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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