I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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