I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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