Don't make out with my wife yet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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