I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
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He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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