At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
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thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
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I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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