Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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