i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
that is very illegal...i love you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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