He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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