So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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