Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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