You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize