I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
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When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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