I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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