Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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