Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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