hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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