also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize