You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I will pee on everything he values.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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