Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
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I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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