Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
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He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize