I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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