don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
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His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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