Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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