Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
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His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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