pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
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so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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