I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
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I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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