How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
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Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
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I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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