I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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