I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
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Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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