I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
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I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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