I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't deserve a penis
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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