She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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